HyperFlowism

United States. Scientists have now discovered through meticulous research that it is appearing in Flow gyms and in the homes and workplaces of Flow athletes worldwide. I am speaking of course, about HyperFlowism.

At first glance, HyperFlowism may just appear as a light rash/abrasion on the interior thigh or lateral ankle region, or on occasion acute skin peeling on the palms of the hands. These symptoms are merely a precursor to the imminent full-scale onset of HyperFlowism.

SYMPTOMS OF HyperFlowism

• Performing “kettlebell swings” with jugs of milk.
• Using your kids to help with joint mobilization or for weighted exercises.
• Pointing out things on the street, to complete strangers, that you “could jump on to”.
• Calling out “Time!” after the following: (but not limited to these…)
  - Getting ready for work in the morning
  - Placing groceries on the conveyor belt at the store
  - Retrieving your newspaper or mail
  - Childbirth
  - Pumping gas
  - Pooping
• Conversations begin with “So, I PR’d my Squat Snatch” or “I kicked Cindy’s ass this morning”, followed by an awkward silence.
• Secretly waiting for the day you’ll “need” to deadlift your 1 rep max to save someone’s life.
• Overhead squatting Costco dog food bags between sample tasting.
• Your daily schedule is in 10 and 20 minute AMRAPs.
• You own more workout shoes than work and casual shoes combined.
• You refer to Kelly Starrett and Carl Paoli by first name as if you’re personal friends.
• You begin “learning a new sport” that you probably have no business playing.
• Cleaning the garage, only to make room for pull-up bars and gymnastic rings.
• Blowing your family clothing budget due to your ever changing body size.
• Loss of contact with friends because they were tired of hearing how “rewarding” and “challenging” Flow is.
• You talk openly about doing “Barbara” or “Annie” or a host of other women.
• Volunteering to move your neighbor’s landscape boulders … by hand.
• You often yell “No rep!” when watching strangers pick things up.
• You know other Flow members’ back squat weights and Fran times, but may not remember their last name or what they do for a living.
• There is no longer any shame or embarrassment from spending the day in your workout clothing.
• Insomnia, due to strategizing the next day’s Sweat.
• If just one Sweat is missed, extreme irritability sets in.

Three or more of the symptoms listed above occurring after at least six months of Flowmembership, meets the clinical diagnosis of HyperFlowism. Although currently incurable, HyperFlowism can be managed with the help of your physician, a Level 1 certified coach, and in some instances a mental health specialist.

Support groups are continuously forming. If you or someone you know needs help, call the national HyperFlowism hotline at 888-HFI-HELP.